On Tuesday night yours in gossip graced the Feather Awards at The Venue in Melrose Arch.
Fags, hags, homos and arbs who expect you to know them - you name it, they were all there.
Almost every straight man temporarily crawled out of their closets, making moi wish I was gay too.
The show kicked off with a gay version of Beyoncé's Run The World, with the likes of Amstel and Boojy and a handful of other ladyboys shaking what their mamas gave them.
Their shiny Papa and Blondie silver outfits almost blinded moi, but jealous down - those boys can jive!
What an unruly audience though. They yapped non-stop throughout the event. Umsindo bathong!
We could barely hear the MCs and presenters. We couldn't even hear the winner's speeches.
- Speedy didn't pitch to present an award with Lalla Hirayama.
The brotha was clearly still preening himself as moi spotted him at the after-party looking delicious in black and dripping gold jewellery.
Oh, wena, you love the spotlight, don't you?
- Simphiwe Dana looked fab in a grey dress - a far cry from that parachute she wore a few weeks back at a Fashion Week event. Can you now try to be consistent, darling?
You've had too many hits and misses in one year already.
- Queen Kenny Kunene took home two awards, even accepting Nonhle Thema's trophy on her behalf as she was apparently ill. How convenient.
Oh, and please ease up on the prison-to-riches story, Kenny.
The world knows you're loaded, we're all envious, yadda yadda yadda ... yawn!
- The twins (yawn again) who were dressed alike (sigh), presented the artist of the year award to both Zahara and Zakes Bantwini.
Zahara accepted the award, gave a brief speech and disappeared into the crowd never to be seen again.
- Pam Andrews, pregnancy looks good on you, honey. Off the bottle and all!
Please give fashion tips to Tshedi Mholo, who wore a black and white marquee.
- Madam Gigi took an uncensored swipe at Fikile Mbalula and Andile Ncube's baby bloopers, leaving those with a sense of humour in stitches.
Who died and made you queen of anything though?
- Claire Mawisa deserved the hot chick award.
Amazing how some women become timeless beauties at a young age while, sadly, some spend millions on weaves and bleaching their skin.
- Juju's alleged girlfriend Lizelle Tabane rode her new fame wave and was all cleavage and thighs in a shiny pink and black mini.
But who was that guy in a suit trailing you all night though? Juju is revolutionary wena. Careful.
- Still on newly famous schlebs, Fikile Mbalula's ex-something Joyce Molamu arrived around midnight and wandered about the red carpet pretending to be on the phone.
She was later spotted by Kenny Kunene's table pretending she didn't know him.
Hunting again already, hun? And the bun in the oven ke?
- Koyo of 3Sum - or is it 2Sum? - we understand the whole loud and proud issue, but an orange suit lovey?
- Diopelo Maphathe spent most of her time at the bar.
Hun, free booze comes with a hefty prize of phuza face.
Ask moi.
- Iko Mash, shiny pants plus a protruding bum maketh not a lady.
You are not Madam Gigi.
- Shwashwi saw Zone 14's Tebogo Selebogo wandering around Melrose Arch as if he was in New York.
Say with me Tebza: La Dolce Vita.
- You will never guess who else was there.
None other than Chiskop's General. The freckled ghost looked like a thug with his sunglasses on at night?
It's 2011 now, General.
Show your face.
The after-party rocked, but please make sure there are enough chairs next year so we don't have to stand throughout the night.
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